The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
