I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize