So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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