I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
