how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
