Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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