sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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