yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
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i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
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All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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