the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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