Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
