If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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