Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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