My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
