Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
