she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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