My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
