I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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