nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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