Your mouth is God's brothel.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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