I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
