I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
