Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
