We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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