Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
