accomplished twins. life is a go
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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