My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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