Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
