dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
