drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
