Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You have to summon your inner elephant
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
