all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
