i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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