so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize