I'm gonna have a badass scar
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
