my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
