They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
