who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
