if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
