her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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