Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
