How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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