I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize