hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
