sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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