It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
