I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
