remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
