My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
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The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
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So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"