Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.