i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
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What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
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We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM