thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I need a beard to bite.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.