im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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