Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
