Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
