Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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