btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
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my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
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While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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