I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
