Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
