watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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