i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
