She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
